Monday, January 16, 2017


"We will replace it with something great!" – Donald Trump

Trumpcare Platinum

Recommended for those with a solid background in musical theater/dance. Applicant must perform "Audition (The Fools Who Dream)" from La La Land, in its entirety and in the original key. Additionally, proficiency must be demonstrated in one non-singing skill, as long as it's not boring. Schedule your livestream audition at the fantastic new Trumpcare website, which will be fully functional on day ONE, thank you very much. Performances to be adjudicated by a wonderfully diverse panel of conscripts from the performing arts division of the new Trump Fired/Undocumented Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida (TFUC).
Thumbs up: 100% coverage (except in case of illness or injury)
Thumbs down: see Trumpcare

For "serious" artists in the fields of literature, classical music, jazz, the visual arts and other uninteresting pastimes. Also for those with pre-existing medical conditions such as heartbeat, respiration or skin. Live audition not required-we couldn't care less and no one else does either, trust me. Just send a hard copy portfolio of your "work" to Secretary Rick Perry, U.S. Department of Energy, Washington, DC 20585, where it will be incinerated to provide low-cost high-CO
2 energy for the new White House Watersports Pavilion. Coverage as in Platinum, except for a lifetime maximum of $15,000 or 894,770 rubles, whichever comes first.

For the completely ungifted, or those who failed their Golden audition.
Well then, what CAN you do? Have you tried slam poetry, celebrity cook-offs, fashion design? All I can suggest is you get off your lazy Medicaid keister and make something interesting of yourself before asking for a handout from the United States Treasury. Visit Trumpweb
(really, really secure) for a link to the Trumpcare-approved "Personal Responsibility" program- or "I've Got Some Talent" as we like to call it! Enrollees will receive free Trumpcare Gold coverage contingent on successful completion of a four-year, 5,000-hour course designed by the acclaimed Kushner Institute (formerly the National Endowment for the Arts). Annual tuition based on race, religion, sexual orientation and degrees of separation from Mitch McConnell.
Note: Financial aid available but really, really frowned upon.


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